CLINTON AND CONDOMS
Russian President Putin called President Clinton with an emergency:
“Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President cried.
“My people’s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!”
“Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,’
replied the President.
“I do need your help,” said Yeltsin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it,” said Clinton.
“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin.
“Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10′ long and 4′ in diameter?” said Putin.
“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the
President of Freecondoms.com. “I need a favor, you’ve got to send 1,000,000
condoms right away over to Russia.”
“Consider it done,” said the President of Freecondoms.com.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10′ long and 4′ wide.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL’ on each one.”
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms
because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out.
And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.
Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer,
but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,
” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine
makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour.
“I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”
“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide.
It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”
“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”
“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
FALL IN LOVE
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love.” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is?
It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom!”
A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum
agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
“You’ve got Male!”
The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter,
an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
“Dear Friends, we didn’t mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback.
But I swear by God Almighty, I’m going to kill whoever put novocain in the condom!”
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression,
mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does.
There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, “Why the black panties?” She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knows he’s not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario.
She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit;
except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this … a black condom?” He replies, “I want to offer my condolences.”
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day … Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist
that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.
SIZE OF CONDOM
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, “What size?”
The man replies, “Size? I didn’t know they came in sizes.”
“Yes, they do,” she says, “What size do you want?”
“Well, gee, I don’t know,” the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it
into each of the three holes in the fence.
While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads
her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, “What will it be?
Small, medium, or large?”
The man replies, “To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!”